Transition is hard to write about for a number of reasons, not the least being that it exposes my perceived failures and vulnerabilities. Recently I read something in a little book written by Fred Rogers (Yes, that’s Mister Rogers) that brought me some encouragement. To paraphrase, he said that many people are discouraged by transitional times of life, thinking they lack purpose and direction…Like they are going nowhere. Mister Rogers said that is not so, “You are somewhere. You are in between...” There are definite times in life that God intends for us to be “in between” and He uses that time to accomplish His perfect work in us and through us in Christ.
The following will conclude my writing on the continuing saga of transition I have experienced in ministry. This is definitely the most hurtful experience but it is from that experience that I changed my idea and perspective on the work of the ministry to what it is today. I no longer settle for what seems good but push to find out what is good and right and fitting. So here goes…
After leaving the church I had poured my heart and soul in for 4 ½ years or so I spent a little less than a year in an interim position at a Presbyterian church in town. Then an opportunity came to move closer to family and go to a church that would better accommodate my skills and musical abilities. After some heartfelt conversations on the phone and some email exchanges my wife and I stopped by the great state of Maryland on our way up to see her folks in Connecticut to check out this opportunity that seemed almost too good to be true. As it turns out…It was. But I don’t want get ahead of myself. After the initial meeting a return visit was planned so I could lead worship and meet with some of the other staff. I asked a few hard questions to which honest answers mattered greatly to me. The 2 majors were, “How do you feel about me telling you no, we can’t do what you are asking? We just aren’t capable at this point…” (In other words, “Will you trust me…?”) -AND- “Are you a proponent of team based leadership…?” The Pastor’s answers satisfied my yearning to be a part of a mutually respecting team of leaders. All seemed well and we thought it to be a good fit. We prayed and put our house up for sale. It sold in 2 weeks. It was a sign, so we thought, that we were moving in the right direction. In a few more weeks we had purchased a townhouse in Odenton, MD and began making a new life. We connected almost immediately with the other staff members who remain some of our dearest friends to this day. Oddly, the pastor and his wife didn’t engage us beyond the first month we were there. We shared one meal together with him and his wife. We never received an invitation to his home. He only engaged when he wanted/needed me to do something. He was superficially friendly. I found all of this rather odd but I just chalked it up to him trying to maintain a professional distance. As it turns out that is not at all what was going on. As I began to become a more recognizable part of the ministry there the more he put his thumb on me and tried to control. This was contrary to what he had told me in our beginning conversations regarding team-based leadership and mutual respect. I asked him about it and his demeanor changed drastically. He became who he really was…A dictator and authoritarian. It was his way or no way at all. He had lied to me and masked his real views on leadership in order to fill a position. I engaged him in a way that I was open about in the beginning and he seemed agreeable to in our first conversations but when it came to it he was not just uncomfortable with it but completely disagreeable. I later found out it wasn’t the first time he had done this. There were mounting problems within the staff and he had already lost one staff member because of it.
About 8 months into our time in MD the holidays were quickly approaching. I had put together a church-wide Christmas season event that was not as much production oriented (though there was a production facet) as a community involvement slant. I titled it Live the Gift. The planning team was very excited about the idea and the pastor seemed to be also. As it turned out it was not for the reason I thought. At the same time, the pastor was talking to an advisor who told him that now was the time to prioritize a capital campaign for the new building program. He also advised that, perhaps, instead of going all out for Christmas we should have a guest in for some sort of holiday concert so it won’t be so taxing on the staff and congregation…That we should choose one or the other but not both. The pastor then retreated into a few weeks of silence and secrecy about the direction we would take. He scheduled a big staff announcement regarding the campaign. He apparently had a name and a plan. The meeting came and when he announced the name and plan I was completely taken aback… Live the Gift it was to be called. And his strategy held a strong resemblance to the Christmas season scenario I had proposed. I have to admit, that was a bit of a hard pill to swallow. It was the kind that gets stuck in your throat for a minute before it goes down. You don’t choke on it but it hurts all the way down. After the announcement I scheduled a meeting with him to discuss how it would affect the Christmas festivities. He thought it would have no affect at all and said I needed to just go ahead with the plan. I disagreed and told him how and why it would change what our creative team had planned but he did not relent. Another pill…GULP. He had set me up to fail miserably. And I did. As I tried to pull together the people for the Christmas festivities I ran into road block after road block. People were either involved in the capital campaign or already had too many holiday responsibilities to tend to. After his announcements the pastor was out of town for 3 weeks straight. I tried to catch up with him to discuss how we can modify our holiday plan. It finally came down to a phone call. At that point nothing was coming together and, independently, I came up with an alternative. I told him what was happening and you’d have thought I just told him I stole the church’s money and I was off to Mexico. I offered my alternative but it didn’t seem good enough. He had his out and he was going to take it. The week the pastor was finally back in the office was the week I had scheduled to go visit my family in MO for Thanksgiving. He avoided me in the office for a couple days and while I was gone worked his little plan to get rid of me. Without going to elders or staff he, by himself, decided that the church would be better off if I left immediately. Upon my return to MD after Thanksgiving he called me in a room with one “elder” (his friend) who was there to be witness to the utter blindsiding that was about to take place. He gave his news and I verbally tore into him. In the end his friend talked him into giving me some severance pay but that was it. I took about an hour and cleaned out my office. I was done and I was angry. I couldn’t believe I had been duped into this… I immediately called my accountability guys and they were astonished as they, also my references, had spoken to this pastor as well. They thought it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
(The very next week a familiar voice from Jacksonville called with an opportunity. It was a timely and trusted voice. The church I had poured so much into was calling again. So we went back to the place where we had spent the majority of our married life. God had us in mind. Though severe financial difficulty in the operating budget did not allow this ministry to keep us but for a little over a year, God yet sustains.)
The tragic continuation of the story in MD is that due to behavior like I experienced and even worse, this church has lost 5 staff members in the past 2 years. NONE of the staff that I served with still serve there. All left on bad terms. It is just sad. I sincerely grieve for the congregation. The positive part of my experience in MD is the wonderful relationships that were forged with the other staff members. We hold our friendship and experience together in the highest regard. While we all are perhaps still healing up from our experience(s) at this church we have learned much. I think I earned my degree from The School of Hard Knocks. I purposed, from then on, to be intentional about who I allow to influence me and the situations I entertain. I have learned the power of the word “no.” I have learned that being “nice” is not always right. I have learned the importance of friendship during times of transition. I have learned Jesus was right, worrying does no good whatsoever. I have learned that God honors hard work but sometimes people don’t. I have learned that being “liked” is not something God demands of us but it is a selfish desire and a pressure we put on ourselves… I mean, it’s a good school but the tuition is outrageous!
From the mythological Greek story of Scylla and Charybdis comes our colloquialism; “Stuck between a rock and a hard place…” In the Greek story the two sea monsters made the waters between Sicily and Italy virtually impassable. Only mariners who deftly navigated the terrorized strait had even the faintest hope passage. I have come to believe that in times of the difficult “in between” it is how we navigate that matters most. God has the destination in mind. It is most important for us to keep the compass at our True North and courageously brave the rough. At the end of this little series I pray only this simple thing… That the Lord would encourage those who may be going through a life or ministry transition and give them strength enough not to quit.
…Amen
Aaron Unthank
http://www.aaronunthank.com
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Written: 10/03/2008
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Category: Aaron Unthank
Comments: 7
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I hope that they can see that while they are going through a hard time, they certainly aren't the first ones that have been disappointed, and certainly won't be the last, either....
Thanks for you comment. Bad experiences can lead to good character. Not that I'm there yet... But I see God's hand working through these things I've experienced to make me...
Aaron-Thanks for this series. Today's article came at the perfect time for me! I was especially encouraged by this statement:
Thanks for your comment Kristen... I'm glad this article was timely for you and you found some encouragement from it. Honestly, it was hard to write about failure and conflict. Some of it doesn't exactly paint me in the best light ya know... But that's okay w/ me if God can use it.
Hey Aaron - I've really enjoyed your articles. I've been in that same place, and I've learned that even in times that don't make sense to us, God really is "working all things for our good", and He is ALWAYS in control - even in times that are hard to understand. And what I've learned most about those times is that my relationship with God grows even deeper during difficulty..so, I've learned to be thankful for the difficult times...not necessarily happy about them, (ha ha), but thankful because those times are some of the sweetest times of fellowship with God. Sometimes, God puts us in a specific place/area for a seson. We learn from that season, we grow from that season, and then God leads us into a new season where we grow even more. Thanks for sharing!
I love your candidness Aar. Thank you for being willing to share your heart in your articles.
I appreciate your comments... Transition is not fun but a necessary part of life I presume. If a puddle of water sits with no exciting of its waters it becomes stagnate. A river on the other hand, ever flowing and moving downstream cannot stagnate. It can become polluted by contaminates along the way but at her end pours into an existence bigger than herself...and lives on.
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